CSTT

Carried over from Paper Screams. Originally posted in 2003 just before I was called to saving faith in Christ.

This is the Blog hosted by the Woppat that has (hopefully temporarily) become Therapy online for me.  Hahahaha.  Electronic Zoloft.  Did I spell that right?

So I am starting counseling on Wed.  Wonder what they’re gonna tell me.  I know the lady there and she’s really nice.  Kinda old biddie type, but that might be the best.  It’s a she, which should be able to give me the woman’s perspective.  As if I wasn’t in touch with my femininity enough already.  I’m surrounded by a harem.

Okay, anyway, enough of the roundabout attempts at humor and sarcasm.

What they’ve told me (they means all my amateur therapists) is as follows:

1.  I am a product of the Navy.  This means I’m a person who is driven, realistic, multi-functional, organized, pro-active, worldly, resourceful, blah blah blah.  Basically, I take this to mean I’ve been around the world too many times to be a normal, average schmo of 29 years.

2.  I’m not emotional in my dealings with others.  I am curt, responsive, direct, but particularly unemotional/lackluster/dispassionate when facing both good and bad issues.

3.  I don’t listen (REALLY listen) to the issues.

4.  I can’t make sense of 2+3.  It does not = 5

5.  I care too much to just give it up and take the easy way out, therefore I am still here, still screaming inside my own head, actually asking the people, who used to scream at me, for help.

What does all this mean?

Based on #1:  I’m a retard, unable to function as a real person.

Based on #2:  I’m too busy to bother with road-signs, flowers and sunshine.  Positive point being I’m not distracted by rain.  (then why am I stopping to type all this?)

Based on #3:  I’m still here.  Might be deaf and imagining all this.  Wow.

Based on #4:  Opinions can’t add.

Based on #5:  Why do I want to run?  Who’s to say I’m not just trapped here by income, children, logistics of all sorts?

I’m being honest as I know how.  Maybe this will all pay off.

If not, I’m going to a hole in the base of a cliff with basic water and food supplies, power, a computer and access.  There I will finish my stinkin’ language in solitude and try to convince myself I am a society of one so my stinkin’ language will be useful.