Revolt

I thought and thought, and thought some more.  Here is what I found in the murk.

For a few days, about since I started this journal, I’ve slacked off.  All this fighting and misery took the energy out of me.  I lost the motivation of which I am so proud.

I hadn’t cleaned up, hadn’t paid much attention to the kids, not even the cats saw much of me.

All those things which superficially cause this rift between us such as the cleaning, organizing, fixing, whatever, had stopped.

Whoops.

Integrity.  A word I learned about four years ago popped into my head.  The definition is not as important as the ideal.  The ideal is simply one’s character.  To tarnish the ideal (slack off of the things one perceives as good, as duty, as proper) is to lose integrity.

Why stop what is right-doing because you suddenly don’t care?  I DO care.  I have the strength, and the simple tasks of cleaning and whatnot are perfect for clearing the mind, causing satisfaction (probably the only satisfaction of late).

So I resolved to start over this morning, as soon as I woke up, to rebuild that pattern so easily ruined over a few days and lots of fighting.  Damn what she thinks about why I do what I do.  I know my doings are right, productive and beneficial, therefore I will do them.

If we ever get out of this, she might appreciate the fact that the house is still clean, the kids are still clean, the cats aren’t starving, the computer has no viruses, the trash made it out.

What more do I need to say.

Oh, yeah.  I can say that since 6:30 this morning, my day has gone considerably better than the last few.  Cleaning the cat box was a downer, but four loads of laundry and a running of the vacuum wiped the smell off my mind and left me euphorically satisfied with a job well done.

(And now I won’t trip on that damned toy for the 432nd time this week)

I think this will be a better state in which to meet the counselor tomorrow afternoon too.  It is possible to keep some sanity in all this.