Trophy Husband

There was a survey I checked out over on SharperIron. Couldn’t resist participating because I’m a Christian Survey Junkie and because there was an option to share “marriage axioms” in the commentary. Plenty of things keep reaching around to smack me about how I’m doing as a husband. So here is what I said along with some additional thinking.

I will have been married 15 years this Christmas Eve. I’ve learned far more of what not to do than what to do. Two verses come to mind that speak to my experience.

On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

– is not a fundamental mindset to maintain in your relationship to The Spouse. Two reasons:

1. Sometimes we have to be firm about our convictions and the temptation to overcompensate conflict with sweetness and light can set us up for worse later on.
2. And sometimes we tend to be more interested in heaping burning coals via our “good deeds” because we perceive The Spouse as Our Enemy. I’ve fallen for both of these repeatedly.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you,

– should be a fundamental mindset to maintain in your relationship to The Spouse. 3 Points:

1. 1. Don’t actively pursue or require hugely dynamic lifestyles in attempts to “devote the family to Christ” or whatever religious theme sounds awesome. The call to such a heavy burden shouldn’t be sought – just try to live as Paul says.
   2. MYOB- sometimes in Keeping Track of the Joneses and their religious or anti-religious activities the temptation to draw The Spouse into the equation is a temptation. Our “Christian Agenda” may well not be of value to The Spouse and may even be detrimental to a good marriage in general.
   3. Work with your hands – Do the things that hands were made for: fix and clean and maintain the framework of life together. Things like the house and the car and food and touching are built in – don’t find “other more important things to do” when you could be sprucing up the environment.

I was just listening to the radio and caught the tail end of Focus On The Family’s regular broadcast. I don’t usually pay attention to FOTF but this one grabbed me. The speaker was describing himself. But he was really describing me. He said I was avoiding conflict or putting down conflict with words. With the sheer weight of words, I am able to defeat any opponent in my family.

The stupid thing about this is that I knew this already. My beloved bride has told me herself. My oldest kid has said the same thing. You know what I did to them? I did just what they told me I do and shut ’em up about me shutting them up. With a ton of running arguments that don’t really allow for even breathing, I can stomp out anything that could potentially cause conflict or bring up something distasteful to me or, worse, cause me to look honestly at something.

I’m not just putting up my confession. The point is that there is another man out there who is just like me. That should indicate there are probably a great deal more of us than just two. And so my evasion of conflict isn’t some fluke. Dudes need to shut their self-righteous pie-holes and treat their wives like humans. So that is the third thing I have learned from 15 years of marriage.

Notice the sin trend? I’m able to figure out what not to do very easily. That doesn’t mean I can turn that into either stopping the sinful activity or doing good.

Here is the contrast. It’s not solid gold, though I wish it was.

Things I’ve been blessed with, through no merit of my own, that are good in my marriage.

I love her. Despite every single thing that has come up between us, whether her fault or mine, I can’t stop loving her. That is entirely God’s grace in my life. He has preserved me. It’s a constant reminder of His own love toward me, a sinner who needs a Savior.

Perhaps you thought there was more? I can’t think of anything else. I’m not good at much, really. What good I have is not mine, really. If I go back to before I was saved, I can’t find any redeeming features of me. Now, all I have is this faith that is tiny and weak accompanied by these tiny little advances that we call sanctification. Mostly it’s just recognizing sin and resting on Christ’s work to preserve me whether I commit or omit anything that results in sin against Him (and my Wife).